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Emmers Drawberry: Professional Superhero

Making the the Move.
Early this month/late July I went with Brandon to put down the deposit for an apartment close by. The excitement and eagerness the two of us felt walking away knowing that it would be our first little home was practically tangible. I don't think there are enough words in the English language to describe just how happy we felt. The family currently living in the unit moves out on the 31st, and after the unit is cleaned we'll be able to get in. 

The first weekend since has come and gone, Brandon is collecting up spare boxes at work and from a friend working elsewhere to bring home so I can get packing while he's at work. Really a month is hardly anytime at all. For Brandon it's going to only be another 3 weekends he has where he'll have entire days to work on packing his things and picking what to leave with his parents and what to take. It seems like we have much longer to work on this then we really do and I am hoping that we can be completely packed by the weekend of the 31st so we won't be stuck finishing up that weekend while the apartments being cleaned.

I've got to call up and schedule a time for a rental truck at the storage unit when we have an exact day we can get everything moved in, hopefully we'll only need to do one trip with that truck from the storage unit, to Brandon's for his belongings, and then to the apartment.

There's a lot we've got to plan for, pack and get ready and I am just trying to make sure it's all finished in time.

For all the excitement and energy Brandon and I have it feels like there is this undercurrent bringing down all of it. It feels like we're constantly being met with doubt and skepticism from everyone. Instead of hearing a "Congratulations I am happy for you" it feels like friends are just eyeing me up and down with this uneasy kind of doubt. Can no one be excited for us? Is it really that difficult for someone to just let go of their preconceived notions of what our life is like and say "They're adults and will make the best choices for themselves" and be happy for us?  

Why does it constantly feel like I am being looked at like a child by everyone I know. Like I am small and fragile and I am just too fucking precious to know what's going on. I am not a child in an adults body. I am an adult. I spent more years out of my life moving from place to place then most 50 year old's ever do. I've packed more boxes and said more goodbye's then should be reasonably necessary. I survived with the constant fear of homelessness hanging over my head for years and years on end and I didn't have friends around to give me support to encouragement. 

So why do I feel like it's a constant effort to prove I've earned my prized 'adult award'? Why yes, here is my bank account! It even has money in it! This is me grocery shopping, and buying toilet paper just like adults do. Look, I am at the bottle return like an adult! Here, this is my steady boyfriend. Sometimes we even kiss and stuff, like adults! Did my graduation slip from teenager to adult get lost in the mail? Am I suppose to have some sort of business card I can present to friends and family that reads:

Emmers Drawberry
Certified Adult

What do I have to do for people to stop looking at me like a rube? Like a naive little child that can't swim in the great big ocean. I've done just as much, if not more, then some and I shouldn't have to keep trying to prove I can make real live grownup person decisions without someone holding my hand and patting me on the back telling me I am a good little girl. 

When can I finally be an adult? When will people give me credit? When will I not be looked at like precious little baby? 

Why can't the people close to me just be happy for us?

Sometimes peoples concern, no matter how genuine or if it's coming from a good place, can be completely damaging and tarnish otherwise pleasant events. 

I shouldn't have to explain to people that no, I don't sit home all day gorging on snack cakes and eating gold covered ice cream sundaes living like the queen. I shouldn't have to explain my life or my situations to other people, and I hate the feeling that I should go up to all my closest relatives/friends/assassins and gently tell them their random assumptions about how I live my life are not correct and it would be super cool if I could have a little support now. 

It feels like I proved my worth a long time ago, and I shouldn't have to do it all over again. At least not with people who are close to me. 

Hopefully tonight Brandon will come home with some boxes so we can get to packing away the various bits and bobbles we're not using and setting aside what needs to be gotten rid of. I just want to get started on this now and get it done as soon as possible. 

Catching Up
I haven't used this is a very long time.  There has been quite a bit that's happened and I keep meaning to take time to come back but then more and more catches up with me and I keep waiting for 'the right time' to get back to this. So now there's an enormous amount that's happened between me coming back to visit and today. I'll try to keep it as concise as I can and not shove every little detail into this.

I left Arizona on the 22nd of June, on the 18th of July I was to fly back in and return for school. Things do not always go as we plan them, and on occasion they change your life entirely. It was two days before I was to go back to Arizona. I was feeling desperate and at one of the lowest points in my life. I thought leaving again would have been easier since we'd done it once before...it wasn't. Brandon came into the bedroom and sat down beside me and started to rub my side. He was speaking as calmly as he could when he told me I should "Call your mom and tell her you wont be going back".

Brandon's family had extended an incredible offer to let me stay with them until the dorms opened up at the end fo August. I called up my mother in Arizona and told her what happened, she was happy for me and we talked for a bit before saying goodbye. It occurred to me later that day, after my haze of  life changing  excitement had lifted that I had just left my mothers home for good. I had 'moved out' in a way, and I realized that I was scared. Suddenly it hit me that, despite what problems we had in our relationship, I was not going to see my mother everyday. Believe me we had our problems, but regardless I suddenly felt a sense of loss. I had left my mother, my pet, some of my belongings, behind. She would later send a large box of the few things I had in Arizona. It was a little sad, to see my things packed up in a cardboard box. I realized that perhaps my mother had felt the same sense of loss as I had over the 'loss' of her last child.

Once in a while, when I think back to it again, I was so eager to get away from her and still full of so much anger over the problems we'd had and shit we'd gone through that in a way I wish I'd been able to say goodbye properly. To give myself some sense of finality to it. Brandon and I hope to fly out to Arizona for Christmas time this year, he'd like to see the area (and I know he'd love it)  and my mother would like to see us again...and I hope I can take my cat back with us to Michigan.

Back to Michigan stuff.
I applied and was accepted for the art college I had been hoping for. Both excited and nervous I continued on with the application process, but the longer I spent on the bottom dollar of it all the more I realized that even with over $17k in financial aid I still wasn't going to be able to afford this. For only two semester , Fall and Winter, it would cost me nearly $40k to attend with the dorms being between $3-4k alone and the cost of getting into them was an up front fee I just didn't have.

Me and Brando had been discussing moving out together since talk of me having to move out of state first happened. Now that I am in Michigan for good, it has been our number one goal. To be moved out ASAP.  I am not sure how much he's talked to his folks about it, but  he's said that they know we want to.Brandon's mother talked to me about it, telling me that she didn't want me to start off my young adult life in such a horrible debt. Telling me that I can stay here, knowing we both are trying to move out as soon as we can.

I am going to have to give up on attending college this year, and will be going to a less expensive one with a good art department at a later date. But I have so far decided that with both of us wanting to move out I need to be getting as many hours at a job as I can. That I have to put college on the back burner and focus on work, for both me and Brando. It hurts to give up something I was so excited about, like I am giving up before I even started.  But I know that right now what I need, and Brandon needs, is money. His family has been beyond kind to me and it feels unreal that  your entire life can change so quickly and unexpectedly sometimes I am not sure if this is even happening. But above all things I don't want to overstay my welcome here, or be a nuisance. I've had too many falling outs with family members and have lost contact with many of them when I needed them the most. With his folks being incredibly welcoming to me the last thing I want is to be a mooch.

Brandon got a new job at a computer store, it's a bit fo a drive away but pays more then his job at Office Max did. For the next week he'll be working both jobs, training at Canton Computers and finishing his last two weeks with O-Max. He's working every single day for the following week, something around 70 hours total between both of the jobs. At Canton he'll be getting just about 40hours a week, working 3 days a week and going to school Monday and Wednesday. He's going to be working his ass off here.

So, as quickly as I can put it, that's what happened.

I am back home for good. Trying to get going on my feet again. Trying to get my own life started, Brando included.

It really does feel surreal and dream-like sometimes. To look back on these entries and remember just how desperately lonely it felt to be so far away. Then to look at things now and I am essnetially living with my boyfriend. I get to see him everyday and draw on his face with sharpies every night.

A lot of things have happened since I came back to Michigan from Dallas. A lot of them very bad, ending life-long relationships with family, teaching me important lessons on human nature and depending on others when you need them. But at the end of all of it I feel as if it took me to the start of something I couldn't have ever purposefully driven to.

I really don't know what would have happened if I hadn't met Brando and made the friends that I've got now, but I wouldn't be the same person and I don't think I would have liked how I turned out.

Here it is, at the end and start of all things.

Day 28
Tomorrow I am flying in to Michigan!


ಠ_ಠ Gynecologist visit today. 

But surprisingly it wasn't as bad as I imagined. But I'll avoid going in depth on vagina's for tonight.

I repacked like 3 times. Figuring what shirts I did and didn't want apparently I own too many ugly shirts. Pfft. 
I will SEE your fatass tomorrow.

Day 27
 One day until I come home. 

I wrapped one of your gifts today, awee yeaaa. The other gifts are going into one box I am wrapping when I get to your house >:I so your not allowed to look while I wrap them. smoosh. 

Also starting to pack. 
Packing makes me feel good. really good. Excited in a way I can't recall feeling in a loooooooong time. On Tuesday I have to leave around 12:30 in the afternoon to get to the air port and have time to check my luggage and shit, so I'll be going fairly early in the day. I don't mind it. I just wish I wasn't getting in so late, your time. My flight leaves around 2:30, or probably around 3 by the time we're actually in flight. So to me, it will be around 6:30....in Michigan it will be 9:30. But we've stayed up to 3am HOW many times? Yeah way too many but not enough. 

We should get Taco Bell for dinner and eat a tube of cookie dough for dessert the night I come in. Because I AM AMAZING LIKE THAT MMK. 
It feels nice to start drawing again. I am actually happy with how some shit is turning out after all. 
I don't recall ever seeing you so eager and frantic to get a better job. Maybe it's because of how agitated you've been at work lately thats making you all twitchy and the like. I know your getting worn out, but I also know you won't be there forever. 

When I started to sort my clothes, and started to wrap your gifts I got so excited. All I can think about is bonfires and making smores and going by the pier in Wyandotte. Brando it's been over a month since I had Bubble Tea >:O WHAT IS THIS TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE! We should just move into Ann Arbor, they have trendy hipster lofts there, and eat nothing but bubble tea and over priced sushi and cheeseburgers. 
I am still amused thinking about you working on Tuesday, just standing at the impress center looking gruff and angry at everyone who comes in. Like it's their fault I am not in Michigan yet or something. 
Sean and Jen with looks of regret. "Why do we come to Brando's house? WHY"
The first time you saw this picture you said "Goddamn I look fat" because you got your hair cut really short.
Don't do that anymore.
This. We need to go back to the Vault. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I WENT THERE? 
Over a month ago that's when.
I saved the bag from when you bought me Coraline.

Day 26 (official)
 So last night I waited until after midnight to write my journal, but still counted that as day 25 :K so shoosh and deal with it. in 2 days I am flying out to Michigan. Eeeeeeeee.

I am almost as pissed off as you are about the hours your getting at work. I am not sure many people could keep doing 6 day long shifts varying between many closing shifts in a row, and opening after said closing shifts without going bonkers. No wonder your getting agitated and upset at work. Jesus. I wish I could say "Honey just take off a week or two, we'll go on vacation and it will be nice. Don't worry about work." But I don't feel right pushing you to do that, not when I know how badly you need this job, this money. So badly do I want you to just stay home for a little while, to just sleep in a few days and not worry. To calm down and clear your head. To see you painting all day long without anything to bother you. One day, I will be able to do so. But that day is not coming soon, and we both know this. When it finally does arrive, the both of us will be grateful for it's arrival. 
There are certain times I find myself wondering on how absolutely wonderful things can be someday. Things you crave to happen, things you dream about, things we both wish for while we talk late at night into the early morning. I remember walking downtown Royal Oak one night, I think it must have been to go see the MST showing (the fuck was up with that rattlesnake horror movie? seriously. wtf.) Did Muppy come with us for that? Because I recall us being alone this time. Maybe it was before then...But we where walking past a furniture store that had closed and I saw a hanging mobile in the display window. It was silver and had paper cranes coming down on a few points in bright primary colors, eagerly I pointed to it and declared it was very pretty. You stared at it for a moment before seeming pleased and said you couldn't wait to see what my own apartment would look like. I wondered the same about you. I still wonder about it from time to time.
About what your own little piece of the world would look like. Would you hang any pictures? Or just posters like you have in your room? Where would you put your action figures, your books, your sketch pads? Would you try to make it look like a typical dudes 'man cave' with cheap furniture and big bean-bag chairs, or would you just buy the most basic furniture and leave it at that. Would you try to make things look like someone cared? It seem's interesting to me, the idea of how each of us decorate our own space, how we make it belong to us. 
Brandy has a 'Happy Bunny' shower curtain. Somehow, I wasn't really surprised. It seemed incredibly 'Brandy' at the time I saw it. 
Like when I first went to Jen's old apartment in Roseville and she had the TV system set up with not DVDS in the top display case, but her action figures. I remember she had framed that picture she commissioned from you and had it proudly hanging in her livingroom. I imagined when you first saw it there you had a swelling of pride. 
Your friends love you so much, I think they'd do anything they could to see you happy. 
There are not a lot of people like you.
There are not a lot of people like them. 
Somehow you all found each other in the most strange way, people who are at their core of being ultimately good have managed to stay afloat and drift together in the vast ocean of people and places. In a way, and perhaps I am misguided in thinking this, you seem like a beacon of light in the ocean. Where people know that wherever Brandon is they will be happy and safe and things will be okay. 
For someone who does not seem to get particularly personal with his friends, you have managed to become quite close with many people.  Some of them would bend over backwards to help you. 
I was talking to Chris a lot lately. 
He want's me to stay almost as much as you do. He wants you to be happy forever. He believes in you SO MUCH ,if life could be accomplished on will power and hope alone he could cure all ill's in the world and never feel finished. 
It's a strange feeling at times, when I realize that people miss me. I know YOU miss me. But I mean other people. Like Chris and I talked about. I don't think I've ever been missed in my entire life. It feels both very good and very sad. Very good in that we must have had some great times for us to all miss each other so badly, and very sad because no one likes to feel alone. 
Did you ever notice that no matter who it is, it's always Brandon's and Justin's house everyone seems to migrate to? It's always partys in your basement, it's always games with you. I marvel at the sheer amount of people who look at your house like a single light in the dark, like they know even if they had a shitty day at work and they feel beaten and worn they have a place to go and be with friends and forget about whats troubling them. 
Do you ever wonder how that ended up to be so? 

Today I started another digital painting. I haven't touched it since this afternoon. Nyyuuu....this is all I finished ~.~
Just to make sure no one flips out I found this reference picture in the Deviantart stock section. 
Like a smarty pants I didn't favorite it ~.~ HURRR SO SMRT
ureshii na ureshii na
hajimemashite koigokoro
ashita mata aeru ne
yume de sugu aeru ne

(I’m so glad, I’m so happy!
Nice meeting you, heart in love!
We’ll see each other again tomorrow right?
I’ll soon meet you in my dreams right?

Day 25
 I waited until past midnight to write this so I could say officially 2 days. Which I guess makes this both day 25 and day 26....but shoosh.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am so incredibly proud of you, I know that your burned out. That your angry with being stuck at a job you need to get out of. That your trying to do something better, that you want more. I know how much it hurts you, and it makes me so proud of you that you don't just throw in the towel and give up. I don't know if I could be that strong. 

There's a lot swimming around in my head right now but I am so so tired I can't think right. 

Early in the morning we're having a new fridge and dish washer installed. So I can't sleep in. But I don't feel like sleeping at all. I just want to talk to you. 

The importance of stability (nonsense rantys)
 On an unrelated note to the rest of this journal entry, in Arizona it is officially 3 days until Michigan. 

Today was my first full day at the condo, and it felt as if today has gone on forever. Giving me quite a bit of time to consider many things indeed. When I get to thinkin' it is usually not well for my sanity nor for the well-being of others who often cite my thought processes as morbid or pessimistic. 

I have yet to have a single moment of peace while here, from day one I knew I wasn't where I was going to stay. It was a pre-furnished temp housing apartment. It was never going to be a stable place, and now this move to the condo. While my mother will indeed be staying here for quite some time, I will clearly not be. I feel like I am constantly in a state of adjusting, and learning new environments. In many ways I feel as if I have been in a never-ending dream I cannot wake up from. The feeling of being in a constant haze is starting to become quite tiring. 

Even before Arizona I can't help feeling completely displaced in life.  Coming from Dallas to Michigan and staying with my grandmother was one thing, what it became was a whole new journal entry best saved for another night. From there I went to my sisters. Constantly moving, being shifted around like unwanted trash from place to place. 
Do people truly not understand how vital it is to have a home? Do you really underestimate how everyday habits you have formed are what keeps you sane? The things you do to get dressed in the morning, where you put your belongings everyday, how everything is YOURS. That you know without a doubt you come to a place you are safe and welcome. 
I don't understand how my family can look at me as if I am making this up, as if these feelings are not validated somehow. How much in their life do they take for granted? 
I wish for just one brief moment everyone on Earth that has a safe home to go to and someone they love waiting for them could just stop and take it in. Take in what all of us take for granted and forget about as life goes on. Because there may very well be a day where you do not have a safe spot in the world anymore and you will end up like me, realizing how much has been taken for granted. 
Despite all of this, I do have a safe place to go back to. It does not belong to me, it is not full of my nick-nacks and paintings nor does it have my very comfy pillow and collection of stuffed toys. There is nothing about this place that is remotely belonging to me. But I feel like it has been the only place in the entire world I have ever belonged, in a very very long time. From the start of dating Brandon going to his house has been like disappearing on a tiny island way out at sea. Somehow it feels as if nothing bad can happen there, as if I am surrounded by an invisible shield on all sides. There is such an intense feeling of going from a home where I am constantly cursed at and worn down emotionally by the people in my life who are suppose to be there for me and support me, to falling asleep with someones arms around me. 
If all of this is what lead me to Brandon then I wouldn't have changed a single thing. 

Day 24
I started to try and draw again today but it never goes anywhere. I just get a basic sketch down and I get bored of it. I just stop caring for it. I keep wanting to draw something funny for your birthday but all my ideas are lame and I can't get anything to materialize the way I want it to. It's absolutely horrifically frustrating.

So my mother seems to have decided against getting a futon OR a pull out bed. But rather she's going to spend like 100$ on a top quality queen size blow up bed. Which is fine and all. But kind of funny when for around 250$ she can get a futon and just fold it into a sofa when I leave. I suppose somehow in her head that makes perfect sense. How I can't quite imagine.

The other day  I was walking past the pool right next to the condo door to get a look at it. Your going to love this thats for sure, it's got a huge cabana with drapes on the sides and an overhead fan, there's a fullsize grill  and a table set up right in front of the pool and the cabana and pool are both lighted at night. I keep thinking "Brandon is going to spend his entire trip right there." 

 I am trying to write a longer journal right now. But my mother has been on her phone ALL NIGHT talking loud and so sickeningly sweet I want to gag. Her voice makes it impossible to think. 

So about an hour later she shut the hell up and I can sort of gather my thoughts again. THAT WAS FUN. No it was not. 

It occurred to me that in 4 days (at 9:30pm I feel like I want to count it as 3 by this point in the evening) I'll be flying out to Michigan. For almost an entire month. With you. 

awwweee yeeeeeeeeeeah.
We're going to have cookie dough for lunch, and ice cream for dinner. We should bring a big ol' blanket to bring to Wyandotte so when we lay in the grass I don't break out in an allergic reaction again ~.~  And then we should go to Lions Park on a day where it doesn't look like a rice paddy and isn't full of mosquitoes. And get more Chinese. Because that was amazzzzzzzzing. Way too much food...but we can just skip all other meals that day and save our tummers for the onslaught of egg rolls and fried rice that awaits. we should also go dick around the mall and make fun of people. Because we are mature adults.  And then, then when we've made enough strangers cry we will go home. Go home, and I will lay on you and cuddle you to death, and then I will fall asleep on you and make it so you can't move but you wont care because I am amazing and you watch me sleep at night like a fucking creep. 

I drew this the other day. It's poop.

On coscom we where discussing the pervyness that is Maid Cafe's. I said I should do one so I can get good tips. One of my friends teased me that I have to practice my 'moe moe desu'. So I produced this:

Day 23
In 5 days Michigan is my bitch.

I don't know anyone else who would do this for me. Who would have put up with all the bullshit that's been happening to me while we've been dating. There's always been something happening, there's always been problems and fights and something horrible happening in the background while we where out having fun. Every night we came back from Ann Arbor I was going home to problems and you knew it and wanted so badly to make me forget about them for even a second.There is no one else in the world who would do all this for me. 

The closer I get to coming home the more I keep thinking about how we where when we first started dating. That we where kind of awkward, like most people I imagine, and how you'd have me stay over at your house until like 2am before driving me home....aren't you glad I just sleep over now? I remember meeting all of our friends for the first time. That you got excited we all got along well. Like you where just so damn proud. 

I remember the first time you ever picked me up from work, I felt somehow really special like "yeah this is MINE" and in an odd way very grown up. 

Do you remember going to Pinball Pete's early on? It was awesome to me, like it was all 'date-y' and stuff. I'd never done anything like that before and now I can't imagine not doing these things. 

Day 22
 6 days until Mi-she-gans.

The past few days have been kinda crazy. Moving all the stuff from the apartment to my moms condo. Tonight is the last night at the apartment, I'll be sleeping back on a sofa again at the condo ~.~ Because once again my mother still wont decide if she's getting a day bed or a pull out sofa. She's ruled out a 300$ futon from Wal-mart but still complains she doesn't want to spend 700$ to buy the sofa bed and have them deliver it to the condo. 

I got kinda pissed and told her I've been sleeping on a sofa in the livingroom from day 1 she said that she wasn't going to decide what to do until after I even got back from your place. She said that she doesn't want to spend money for me if I am only going to be there another 3 weeks before leaving for school. 

Thanks asshat. 

If she where the one living in my apartment and I had made her sleep on a sofa for a month she'd be having a FIT and bitching me out constantly and saying I was selfish and a horrible person. 

But nope. Don't mind Emily. Please let me sleep on the sofa again. 
When I first came here she said she'd let me have the bedroom on weekends. Never happened. Doesn't surprise me in the least. 
I understand that she doesn't want to invest in something that wont get used very often, which is why I suggested the futon, when its not pulled out the futon looks like just a run of the mill cream colored sofa. When pulled out it's a full size 'bed' and costs...well actually LESS then 300$. I think she just doesn't want to get it because it's from Wal-mart and she'll bitch about the store to high heaven and complain she doesn't like to shop there. 
Brandon you have no idea how good your beds looking right now T__T
Then again it was looking pretty damn good from day one to be fair. 
I must admit to being a tad bit afraid. Just because when I finally do see you again I am afraid of how I'll react.  I am afraid I'll just start crying, or I'll get too excited, or something. I don't know why. I just feel so nervous. 
I realized today that I'll be spending more consecutive time at your house then here in AZ. I won't even be here a full month before coming to see you. -squee-